Happiness = reality - expectation
I read a fair bit of Stoic literature like Epictetus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius. Stoicism is the school of philosophy that influenced me the most. I also got into Buddhist philosophy when I was a regular meditator. Stoic philosophy and Buddhism overlap in meaningful ways, with one important principle in common: low expectations.
If we go through life with high hopes and lofty goals that can’t be met, we’ll be filled with disappointment and resentment. When we feel slighted by fate because we don’t have the fulfilling relationships, high status, or material wealth we crave, this turns us into a miserable and bitter individual. Even if we are exploited and mistreated, the resentment of not getting what’s expected eats away at our sense of goodness and wonder.
A dream job turns into a nightmare
I once worked at a promising start-up with people I respected and admired. I worked hard to earn the respect of my peers and make the company successful. There were growing pains, but the company was trending in the right direction. A year after I started there was a change of leadership. Things were okay at first, but gradually the situation degraded. Lots of us worked hard to overcome these new challenges, and I was hoping that meeting these challenges would get me more responsibilities with the company.
Unfortunately our leaders took our efforts for granted, and hired their friends and old colleagues to take over the technical leadership. The leaders’ cronies made a series of mistakes that eroded our customers’ trust and ultimately doomed the company’s long-term prospects.
After years of hard work I got none of what I felt I deserved: status, money, autonomy, and self-fulfillment; I grew bitter and resentful. After brooding and being miserable for a year, I finally left.
On my last day I felt like a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders; it wasn’t just leaving the mess and toxic culture behind, it was also letting go of all my unmet expectations, giving up everything I wanted and didn’t get.
In reality I wasn’t owed anything; the reason I joined the company was because it gave me space to grow. I wanted to work on exciting problems with great teammates, and I got to do exactly that during my tenure there. I had my dream job, but I wanted more and more. Doing good work with like-minded people was no longer enough: I wanted recognition, responsibilities, money, and power.
Instead of enjoying my last year working there: learning, getting better, and getting ready to move on to something new, I drained myself emotionally and burned out. All because I thought I was owed something, because I based my self-worth on things I didn’t control.
The equation
Happiness = Reality - Expectation
We can’t control much of reality; the only reliable way to be happy is to temper what we demand from life.
When I turned 20, I expected to be a millionaire before I turned 40. I wanted to be financially independent and retire early. $1 million was the magic number I had in mind. This was a foolish goal; even if I did reach it, I would have raised my expectations: 1 million isn’t that much money once you have it; maybe 10 or 100 million will do it? Soon whatever money I had would look like pocket change and billions or trillions are needed for financial fulfillment. It’s a never-ending race.
Maximize reality
The modern world is all about maximizing reality. Get in shape, make money, work your dream job, be admired, be powerful. These fantasies may make us feel good in the short term. These fantasies make us believe we are in control, that we can shape the world by sheer willpower, that we’ll be happy once we have finally remade the world to our image.
This can’t work.
Changing the world is hard, even when things are objectively within control. For example, losing weight, it’s clearly something almost all of us should be able to do. Minimize caloric input and maximize calorific output is definitely something most of us can achieve, but when we try we mostly fail. It’s difficult to resist rich food when we are emotionally drained. Losing weight is within our control and yet we can’t seem to do it. How can we change the world when we can’t even change ourselves?
The modern self-improvement dogmas encourage us to maximize hopes and dreams. When we inevitably fail to meet our ever greater hopes: we feel miserable.
Minimize expectations
The answer lies in the second term of the equation.
Humility is a better path to contentment. Minimizing expectations is a better path to happiness and peace. The stoics recommend waking up every morning not expecting gratitude and enlightenment; instead expect pettiness, envy and stupidity. When things go our way and are easier than anticipated, we can feel grateful.
This isn’t cynicism, but a realization that life mostly won’t go the way we want. There are many challenges to overcome and meaningful success is the exception, not the rule.
Practice something called Negative Visualization: contemplate all the things you have and hold dear, and remember that one day you will lose it all. Your family, friends, status, wealth, physical and mental abilities: all these things will eventually be lost, taken away by old age or death.
Negative visualization helps us appreciate what we have. By focusing on the good things we have instead of the things we want we get a better perspective and mindset.
Lowering our expectations and being satisfied with what we have is the real path to contentment.